Catching up....

This summer and fall I was part of something that I am so humbled and grateful that I was able to experience. In the late spring of 2010 I got the name of a horse rescue from a friend. When I was younger I lived and breathed horses. Since getting married and having kids though I have put that passion on the back burner. Not only because of the finances you need to be a part of that world but more so because of the time involved. So now that the kids are a little older I thought I could manage to go out on Saturday mornings and volunteer at this horse rescue just so I could be near horses again. After a few emails going back and forth with the farm manager I finally made it out to the rescue. I loved just being around the horses again, but going out regularly in the summer proved to be more of a challenge than I had anticipated. So I got out there sporadically, which to be honest was disappointing and frustrating.
At the same time I had started volunteering with the youth group at our church. For the summer they were doing service projects. They needed one more so I talked with Chrissy who was in charge of the service projects about the Horse Rescue. She thought it was a great idea. I was so excited. The rescue needed to have a lot of things done and I thought with as big a church as we have that there should be a good turn out. Well the date drew near and we ended up with only six youth who came and two adult leaders not including myself. My kids came too and a friend of mine came with her two kids. It ended up being a great service project. Everyone seemed happy with the end result. What I did not know is that God was working in a much bigger way. He had more planned that I did not even know about.

Chrissy was also working on a service project day for the entire church. One where the actual church services on Saturday and Sunday would be canceled and we would go out and "be the church" not just go to church. Chrissy saw right away that Horse Net needed a lot of work done there and asked Melanie(the farm manager) if she thought we could include Horse Net on the list of places to volunteer. Melanie was happy to have the horse rescue on the list. Then Chrissy asked me if I would like to be the point person on this particular project. I said YES!!! I was so excited about this opportunity. Well after several weeks of sign ups and prep work the weekend came and it just blew me away. I was so humbled and honored to work with the people of my church. Our projects ended up being so many that we had a crew come out on Saturday of about 30 people and then another crew on Sunday of a little more than 100 people. Everyone came to work, I mean really work. We got so much done. Not only did we get so much done at the horse rescue but reports were coming in from all of the 70+ service projects that God was working as only God can. It was amazing. Not only for me but my whole family was a part of it. I dragged Clint into it and also several good friends. The kids got to see first hand what an effect we can make when we all work together in the name of Christ.

I always think that once God brings me through something I know how God works. Then he does it again and I am humbled beyond words and I am so thankful that my God is so much bigger than I can comprehend. There is an immeasurable peace and comfort in knowing that my God will never fit in the tiny box that I create for Him.

I have also been blessed enough to find a way to regularly volunteer at the horse rescue-just an added bonus!!!

Well now....

Where do I start. It has been so long. I have let life get in the way and have had some hassles with my sign in and email that is connected to this account. I have also started a new job. A job in which some days I still am not sure of. I had started looking around for jobs as a preschool assistant. What I ended up with was a job where I am the preschool teacher. This is not that crazy as I am actually for the first time since shortly after college using my degree. It had been so long since I had been in any kind of teaching position that I thought it best to look for an assistant position. I had one interview and did not get the job and a two other responses to the resumes that I sent out which never turned into anything. Then I ran into a friend of mine when we went out to dinner on the spur of the moment. She teaches at a local private school and off and on either I have asked her if the school was hiring or she asked me if I was looking for work. This time I asked her. She said the school was desperate for substitutes. I said oh that sounds good and thought I would look into in the next couple of days. Well the next day there was a phone call from my friend saying the school was looking for a prekindergarten teacher. I was a little hesitant but we really needed the extra income and I decided to go and see what it was all about. Well, this was one of those times when you realize you have absolutely no control and God has all control. Over the course of the next few days, I interviewed, observed and was offered the job. This was all happening as the school year had already started by a few days. It was a little crazy and I still am not entirely sure about this but it is going very well or so I have been told. It just blows my mind when God shows up in a big way for even something as simple as a part-time job. So I am now a prekindergarten teacher.

A Heavy Heart

I don't think I have shared before that all of my family outside of my parents and my brother, live overseas. They are in Germany, Austria and Switzerland. As with everything else this has had its benefits and definitely it drawbacks. I have had the opportunity through this circumstance to be exposed to different cultures from a very early age. I have learned to speak two languages. I actually spoke German first because we lived there from the time I was six weeks old until I was two. But the drawbacks are many too. I am so far away from my family. I can still remember the last time I saw my Omi. We were leaving after an extended visit and I was looking out the back of the car window crying and I saw my Omi standing there on the sidewalk waving and crying too. I knew it would be months and likely years before I saw her again. It ended up being the last time I saw her. I have never been to the funeral of one of my relatives. I know this may sound like a blessing to some but for me it means no closure. Not being able to say good-bye and no moments for me to offer comfort to my other family members. Also, no moments to talk about salvation. I have only seen a few of my relatives once or twice since my salvation. I can honestly say that I do not know the eternal state of any of my overseas family. Even though I know how to speak German there is still somewhat of a language barrier because I have never had or made the opportunity to learn the terms to speak about salvation.

This is particularly evident right now because a little over a week ago I found out that my cousin, who was my age, unexpectedly passed away. He was riding a bicycle, had some kind of mishap which resulted in a few stitches and from that he had a blood clot that went to his lungs. First this is just sad because it happened, secondly and more importantly it is sad because I do not know his eternal state and thirdly I am just so sad that I cannot be there for my family. So my heart is heavy and I really miss my far away family.

Some day....

Okay so I haven't posted in a while. I felt like I had to be inspired to post. I felt like I had to have God tell me or show me something before I could post. Then the other day I realized if that is the only time I post than it isn't being honest, because although God is amazing and inspiring, I am human and do not always make or take the time I should to be in communion with him. I have three kiddos of my own and then I am watching three more little ones on a full time basis. Sometimes my days are over before I know it. Sometimes I have wasted the day away as a result of my own lack of passion and conviction. Sometimes I am just totally on for my family. I know these are all excuses because spending time with the Lord should be a number one priority, but I am afraid sometimes I am just so overwhelmed with everything else to make myself sit down and take a moment. Part of me can't wait for the day when I can calmly and quietly sit down in the mornings and spend time with the Lord consistently, but another part of me realizes that when that day comes it will mean my kids are growing up. All too quickly the days of just sitting down with a cup of tea and my bible and then suddenly hearing, "mommmmmm" will be nothing more than a memory.

You Complete Me

The speaker at youth group today was talking about toxic relationships. One of these relationships she titled, "You Complete Me." That famous line quoted by a lovelorn Tom Cruise trying to win back the woman he realized he loves and needs because she "completes" him. I remember watching that moment and I know how often that line is still said. In joking ways and in serious ways. So many people think that line is the end all be all to how a relationship should be. That you are whole when you find "the one" who completes you. The sad part is that is so misleading and false. If you are looking for a person to complete you than you are going to be disappointed.

We were riding home from church and I was thinking about this toxic relationship and realized that I could apply certain aspects of this to my own life.

My husband and I have a great relationship, but it has certainly had its share of bumps in the road. When we were in college we were one of those couples who was so excited to tell people that we were engaged and when we did our friends said, "Its about time!" Its like everyone knew we would be in it for the long haul before we did. It seemed as if it was just expected. Clint is a big part of road that led to my salvation he knew God long before I did. So in many ways I always expected Clint to always do the right thing. And while he is a wonderful, Godly man he is human. So a few years ago when we weren't communicating very well I had to realize that only God is God and I have to be complete in Him before my marriage can be one where we complete each other.

I think we also can apply this to family life and children. So many times you hear someone say, " now our family feels complete." I said that when our daughter, Ella, was born. But as I was thinking about this toxic relationship in the car I realized that God in his amazing wisdom allowed me to learn something new from when I was going through the miscarriages and from Faith's death. When you loose a child you feel like there is a void in your life. Like a part of you has died. And it has. Your children are a part of you both literally and figuratively. When I was going through the miscarriages, I was so unsure why, but as time goes on I am learning that God was teaching me many things through this. Not only did he show me that one child cannot replace another, he also showed me that I had to allow his love and grace to fill that void that had been left by Faith. I had to be content with God's plan for who would be in our family before I could feel complete. I know my family won't be truly whole until we are all walking with Jesus in Heaven, but God has given me a wholeness that can only come from Him while we are here.

I do want to clarify that I am not saying you just have to deal with it when you loose someone. NO WAY. It is a long individual process where you feel utterly devastated and destroyed. Then you feel anger and frustration. Then you feel things only you can feel and know, but, when you are ready and you seek God you can have healing. Healing that can only come from God and his Agape love for you. Healing that doesn't mean forgetting. Healing that doesn't mean leaving that someone behind. Healing that means knowing God's love for you will carry you through all those moments when nothing else makes sense and your heart hurts so bad you don't know how tomorrow will ever come. Healing means knowing and trusting that God has a complete plan for you life and that He loves you completely as only he can.

I like summer better than winter, but I think snow is beautiful. At night when the snow is falling and has covered everything the brightness of the world is breathtaking.

The other night I walked into Ella's room and looked out the window at the newly fallen snow. It was a lot of snow and the world was so very quiet. Every one in the house was sleeping and I was just making my rounds before going to bed myself. What struck me about this moment was the steady and easy sound of my daughter's breathing. It was somehow so soothing to listen to the noise of nothing but her breathing. As I watched her sleep I just felt completely consumed by that moment and completely thankful to God.

One of my favorite scriptures is 2 Timothy 3:16, " All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness," It is soothing to know that when God breathed these words into being they would and will continue to transcend all of time. When I read this all of the questions I have about things in the bible fall away. It doesn't matter if I don't understand every word right now, because it is God who breathed it into life. It is God who wanted these words to be written. When all of the other things become so overwhelming, these words are all of reassurance I need.

In the hustle and bustle of our busy days I sometimes forget how delicate life can be, thankfully God doesn't.

Grateful

I don't believe in luck or kharma or anything like that. I believe in God's sovereign hand. I believe that He who orchestrated where the stars sit in the sky orchestrates everything. I believe He brings certain people into our lives at exactly the right time.

My friend Mindy was one of these people. She was there with me every step of the way. She had been through a young pregnancy with her sister a few years earlier. I think God allowed her to live through that so she could be a source of strength, experience and wisdom for me. She was never judgmental or criticizing she was just there for me. She was the friend who was with me when I first found out that my blood pressure was high. The friend who was with me when they decided to keep me overnight in the hospital and the friend who was there when my life when from just unplanned to way out of control. We decided to be roommates the following year in school and I can't begin to explain what it meant to have someone there who had walked with me through the previous year. Somehow she knew when to be there and when to back off and let me just have some space. To say thank you seems so insignificant but I am so thankful that God put her in my life.

Becky was the care coordinator at the Family Planning I first went to. She was such a blessing. As I mentioned in the first post she was the first "outsider" to make us feel like things might just be OK. I was able to see her one time after Faith died and then she seemed to have just disappeared. I am so thankful that God put her in my life even if it was only for a short time.

Another person was the NICU doctor. His name was Dr. Balson, he was so compassionate and kind. You see when Faith was first born there was another doctor who came at us with all kinds of questions and demands about what we should do for Faith. Now looking back I believe this doctor was just young, inexperienced and wanted to save the world. He scared us even more than we already were. Then Dr. Balson came in and it was suddenly such a different moment. His compassion and experience is what made the difference. I am so thankful that he was the doctor who God put in place to help us through the most difficult moments when we decided to take Faith off life support.

I don't know what it would have been like without these three people. I am grateful that these are the people God chose.