the beginning

Hi, So this is something a bit daunting for me. I am not a writer by nature but I feel as though God has given me an amazing story to share and it has taken me a while to get to this point. I was worried that putting my life into my words would somehow lesson its impact. Then my husband pointed out that its not about me. Recently we were cleaning out the basement and I came across a rough draft of a paper that I had written in college. I remember reading this a few years ago and thinking wow I am just not a writer. This time I couldn't believe how much I liked reading it. The paper is part of my testimony. It was supposed to be a research writing project. What it became, well what it became was this you can be the judge....(and please keep in mind I have made very few adjustments to keep it real.)



Have you ever wondered what you would do if you got pregnant? If you never have, you will after I give you a confession of what happened to me. I wasn't quite sure how I would feel about people knowing something so personal. I then decided that this is a very important part of my life, and this experience changed my life in more ways than I ever thought any one thing could. My freshman year let me discover things that would give the knowledge of a lifetime. That may sound really strange, but out of something so difficult, I experienced so many amazing things that I can honestly say I understand why I had to go through this. I also realize why I fell like its OK to share with this class. Everyone knows how this happens so I want you to think about that as you read this paper because if I can make you think about this that ONE time, then this will be worth it.

In November of my freshman year, my whole life flipped upside down. Finding out I was pregnant made me grow up overnight. It made me deal with adult problems and decisions I never thought I would have to make. Whatever decisions I made were going to be with me my whole life, no matter what I decided. Not only were my decisions going to effect me they were going to effect everyone in my life including someone I hadn't even met yet. At this point, I realized how messed up my life had become. I knew I needed help, so I turned to God. I concentrated on finding His guidance to make my life right again. My boyfriend, Clint and I are very close and we always were. He shared my decision to turn to God. We both wanted to improve our lives. I had his support and more importantly his strength and his love. The first decision we had to make was what were going to do about the most important person involved-the baby. Make the right decision was important for so many reasons, one of the most important reasons for us was following God's will. I had thought of God before but through this I learned to put all my faith and love in God. The options that you automatically think of are keeping it, adoption and abortion. Well, I can tell you right now abortion was out of the question. Clint agreed. Then we discussed the other two options. We had basically made the decision to give the baby up for adoption because we felt that if we were stupid enough to let this happen in the first place, how could we ever give this baby the life she or he deserved. We felt that God had put this baby in our lives for a number of reasons and weren't going to question why, we were just going to do the best we could.


I started going to the local Family Planning, where I met my care coordinator, Becky. She was the first person that made Clint and I feel that there was someone out there who thought we were still OK. She made us feel like we had someone to go and talk to when things just got too overwhelming. And believe me, they did. Just try and concentrate on going to classes and doing homework when you have no idea what's going to happen next.


By this time we had told a few of our very close friends. They were all very concerned, but gave us their love and support. I think one of the hardest parts of this whole thing was telling our parents. So we waited and waited until we had no choice. Clint told his dad about a week before I told my parents. His mom had died when he was thirteen so he only had one parent, but still that didn't make it any easier. His dad was of course shocked and upset, but after a while of thinking it over, he came to be very supportive. As for my parents-that's a different story. It came to the point where I cried everytime I would finish talking to my mom. So, over spring break I went to visit her in New York(she works there during the week and comes home on weekends.) I didn't know what to say or how to say it so I just burst into tears. Through a series of questions she realized what was going on. I didn't want her to tell my dad yet because I was scared that he would hate me. Of course that was out of the question and my mom called my dad and told him the next day. My stay in NY was cut short and we returned home so we could all talk together.


My mom had asked me what we were going to do so I told her that we had temporarily, but firmly decided on adoption. At first she really didn't say anything. Then she and my dad went and talked. When they came back they told me they had decided that giving the baby up was the easy way out and inhumane. Then they decided that it was their decision to make, I was going to keep the baby and Clint and I were going to raise him or her with their help. What they didn't realize was that we had already make a decision on our own, at least until the baby came. What resulted was two days of fighting, through which I was told I should have had an abortion, reminded I was taking the easy way out, and that if I did go through with it I would never be forgiven. With this in mind, I went back up to school with Clint. At this point I felt like my life was in a daze. With God's help I just took each day as it came.


By this time Clint and I had found a minister who handled private adoptions. He was very kind and took us through a series of meetings where he just talked to us and listened to us talk. He asked a lot of questions concerning what we wanted for the baby and what we wanted to do at the time of the baby's birth. We hadn't decided if we were going to see or hold the baby yet. We had decided that we were going to wait until the moment itself came upon us. I was still fighting with my family. The hardest part of that itself is that I knew that they were only telling me what they thought was best. They didn't want to punish me or hate me, but they just didn't think I would be able to handle giving the baby up. I loved them so much, but I knew I had to what I thought was right.
With the fear of not knowing if I had a family to go to, I fought to make it through each day without going crazy. I can honestly tell you the only things that kept me going were God's love, Clint and my hope that tomorrow would always come bringing the possibilities of good things

.
I was living in the dorm rooms and amazingly enough I was able to keep it pretty well hidden. The fact that most freshman gain weight during their first year was a good excuse, and also the fact that I didn't have any kind of morning sickness helped. I wore big, baggy shirts and stretch pants to hide in. I also never got noticeably big. The semester was slowly coming to an end and I was trying to find a place to live. Even though I was getting along better with my parents I knew I had to live away from then in order to make sure the final decision was mine. I asked a girlfriend of mine, who had always been like an older sister, if she would mind a roommate for a while. She said with a supporting attitude that she would do whatever she could to help. In those few words she changed my world from one of complete desperation to one where I could at least keep my sanity.


During my pregnancy I had shut a lot of people out of my life. Not because I wanted to, but because I only had enough strength to worry about myself and I didn't want them worrying about me. I didn't want to hurt or, most of all, disappoint anyone. I figured if I pulled away from them they wouldn't have to deal with it. What I didn't realize was that in the process of pulling away from everyone I not only hurt myself but I also hurt them. My brother was really stuck in the middle because he wanted to support me, but he still lived at home and had to deal with that side of it everyday. So, I tried to protect him by pulling away, what I ended up doing was leaving him alone and hurt. As you can see the people I pulled away from the most was my family, but they certainly weren't the only ones. My close friends from home knew, but I still didn't talk to them too much because they were so far away. Even though I was pushing people away, God was always managing to put the right people in my life at the right. times. He showed me that He was with me, and guided my everyday. The people that went through everyday with me were proof of that, because I am sure it took a lot of their love and strength to stay by me.


So my days went by one at a time. Some with pain and heartache and some with joy and happiness, but all with the anxiety of what was to come. At the end of June, my brother and I went up to visit my mom in NY, which went OK. There was tension but it was as incredible improvement. This is where my world really flipped inside out. When I came back I had an appointment for a regular check-up, only it turned out not to be so regular after all. My blood pressure was way up, Becky sent me to the hospital for what was supposed to be a simple stress test. Well it ended up that my blood pressure was staying. So I had to stay overnight for observation. My friend from school was with me when they told me this so I didn't have to handle it completely alone. I called Clint right away. He came up to the hospital as quickly as he could. I also called my dad who came up to see me right away. Clint stayed the night with me sleelping it the chair next to my bed. The next morning the doctor came in and told me I had pre-eclampsia. The only cure was delivery. I was scared, I called my dad and told him what was going on. He said he would call my mom. In the mean time arrangements were made for me to go down to Magee Women's hospital in Pittsburgh upon my request. When I arrived at Magee my dad was already there and my mom was on a flight from NY and would come soon after.


The next few hours were not much more than a big blur. At 33 weeks I gave birth 12 hours after having been induced. It was a little baby girl. I was taken into the recovery room, still not coherent because of all the drugs to keep me from having a seizure. Suddenly, a doctor came into the room and started explaining that there were complications and the baby had some physical problems. They weren't sure what the situation was, but were going to run some tests. After this point the mother in me took over and nothing else except my little girl mattered. I was taken up to my room 24 hours after being in the recovery room. After getting a little something to eat, Clint and I went down to the NICU to see the little girl we had named Faith. I just looked at her, I wanted to take her in my arms, protect her and make her feel safe and loved. We prayed for her. We went down to see her two more times before I was released. I held her in my arms both of those times. All I wanted to do was let this little person feel all the love and warmth we had to give her. It was hard leaving Faith at the hospital, I felt like I was abandoning her. An hour after we got home, the doctor called and informed us that the test results were in. We went back to the hospital, where the doctor told us Faith had Trisomy 13, a rare accidental genetic disorder. After assuring us that we could not have done anything different, he told us that babies with this disorder don't live past three months. The only choice was to let life take its course. We went and held her in our arms for the last time as God took her into His, to raise her in the way that was so much better than we ever could have.
To this day it is still hard for me to see babies. Sometimes the pain and emptiness just come out of nowhere, but Clint and I are going on with our lives, trying to follow God's will every step of the way. Faith was only here for a short while, but she made a lifetime of difference. She brought our families closer than they ever were and made our love stronger than ever. She made us realize how important love is. She also brought me to God which had made my life truly worth living. Following God had taught me to take the things that I go through and learn from them. So, I'm keeping Faith in my heart and God as my guide.