Be still, and know....

In my original post there was a statement that I would like to address. I said, "I can tell you right now abortion was out of the question because even though I believe everyone has the right to choose, that was not the choice for me." Initially I left this statement in because that is who I was when I wrote the original paper. It is not who I am now. I believe that life fully begins at the moment of conception.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. Psalm 139:13

Before I was saved I truly believed it was a personal choice whether or not to have an abortion. To be frank, there was a time(long before I actually got pregnant)when I thought if I had gotten pregnant that I would have had one myself. Then I came to know the Lord and what he did for me. I came to realize that my life is not my own and that He is the creator of all. That it is God who gives life and God who determines the time to take it away.

After our sons were born and during the time we were trying to get pregnant again I was strongly reminded of this. When we got pregnant with our sons it all happened so fast that I was sure it would be no problem for me to get pregnant again. So when we were ready I thought OK here we go. Well getting pregnant took about a year. When we finally were pregnant, we were so very excited. The boys were going to be 4 1/2 when the baby would be born, I thought perfect.

Then God so painfully reminded me of His sovereign hand. I had my first miscarriage. We went for an ultrasound to see if it would be twins again. It was not twins, it was not even one baby anymore. The doctor said just wait and see maybe our dates are off, but somehow I just knew, I knew because my heart ached so much. I knew because that morning I woke up and had forgotten that I was pregnant. I simply brushed it off as nothing at the time but then when I saw the empty amniotic sac, I knew.
The following year would carry with it three more early but all consuming miscarriages. I had four positive blood tests through that year but no baby at the end of that year. I don't think I could ever put into words the heartache that I felt. I felt it in every fiber of my being. I just wanted the world to stop, just for a moment. I wanted another baby so badly but God seemed to have different plans. I knew every time that it was God's will and kept telling myself that I wanted God's will over my will. Be still, and KNOW that I am God Psalm 46:10(emphasis mine) That scripture just kept coming to me over and over. Still my life felt like something was missing.

After the fourth miscarriage I was at a point where I said OK God it does not seem to be in your plans for us to have another child. We had not completely stopped trying but we were talking about it. We had two amazing little boys who were such a blessing to us, and the thought of another miscarriage was just overwhelming.

Then I found out that I was pregnant again. I didn't even bother with a home pregnancy test this time. It had only been a month since my last miscarriage and I was sure it going to happen again. I simply called my doctor and asked for them to send me for a blood test. I figured this way at least I knew when it was coming. Then the doctors office called me.......the blood test numbers were good. They wanted me to come in for an ultrasound. I said OK but I was afraid, afraid to hope, afraid to feel the pain of loss again.

With each passing day hope rose up inside me. Then an ultrasound where I saw a little bean shaped baby. My heart leaped with guarded joy. I knew we had a long way to go yet but this time a baby was still there.

The doctor had me come back in a week to have another ultrasound just to make sure the baby was growing...she was and she did.

When we found out we were having a little girl emotions came from places I didn't even know were still there. I remember crying after we walked out of the ultrasound office and one of the technicians running over to me with a tissue and a look of compassion on her face. I said its OK these are happy tears. She was relieved and even got a little teary eyed herself as I told her why I was crying.

The rest of my pregnancy went well. I, of course, had worries along the way even though God tells us not to. Then our daughter was born and my heart was filled. It felt like our family was whole.

Our family was whole, but every time I looked at my daughter I thought wait a minute why does she not look like Faith. I had so pictured in my head a little girl with strawberry-blond hair, fair skin and dimples. A child that looked like her sister and like me. You have to understand that our very handsome boys look like clones of my husband, so I was sure that this little girl was going to look like her sister and like me. After all, we girls have to stick together. Instead she had dark brown hair and no dimples. Her skin was more of a medium tone. Clint and I looked at each other and said where did she come from? During the next few months she looked more and more like my husband. I loved my daughter more than life, but I did not feel completely connected with her until quite some time later when I talked with a very wise woman who said that God knew to make her look different than Faith so that I would love her for who she is and not who I wanted her to be or who I wanted her to replace.

God reminded me in a very tangible way that a life can NEVER be replaced. Each life is God's unique creation. So, more than ever I know that life begins at conception. And, every time I look at my daughter I can hear God saying to me, "Be still and know...." It is a wonderful reminder and believe me I need to be reminded often!!!!!!!