Faith lived for three days. She was born July 3rd and the Lord took her into his arms on July 5th. To try and explain what it is like to hold someone in your arms as they breathe their last breath here on earth is impossible. I just know that during that moment I never felt so held by God. He was holding me so that I could hold my little girl. As I sit here writing this I am overwhelmed. There are so many things that I struggle with when I go deep into my heart and wrestle with this moment in my past. I think one of the biggest things is guilt.
Guilt that I had an unplanned premarital pregnancy.
Guilt that I didn't care what happened to this baby I just didn't want to be pregnant.
Guilt that I prayed to loose the pregnancy.
Guilt that I let those around me down.
Guilt that we were going to give this little girl up for adoption.
Guilt that I did not have the foresight to take more photographs of our daughter.
Guilt that I didn't love her enough.
I have struggled with this so often and I believe its one of the reasons why I finally felt led to share the story God gave me on this blog. With my guilt comes my shame. Shame for all the same reasons I have held onto my guilt. Two very heavy burdens to carry.
Yet Jesus tells us he wants to carry our burdens for us. So why is it so hard to give them to him?
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matt. 11:28-30
I believe that God is trying to help me give him my burden. A few months ago I was blessed to hear Angie Smith speak at our women's retreat. Her story is another part of what inspired me to start this blog. I saw how she so lovingly honored her daughter's memory and I realized that I had not done that for my daughter and in turn not given voice to the story that God had written in my life. That for so long I just wanted to move past the "mistake" I made I forgot to honor the "gift" the Lord had given me.
Angie Smith's husband is Todd Smith, he is part of Selah, the christian singing group. At the retreat I bought a Selah CD for my husband. The title was, You Deliver Me. On that CD was a song called, "I Will Carry You(Audrey's Song)." Angie and her husband wrote this song to their daughter whom they lost. I love this song, but there is one line in particular that I grasped onto,
"And I will praise the One Who's Chosen me to carry you."
In the midst of the guilt and the shame that I carry with me, I had to be reminded that it was God who chose me to carry this little girl. I think that one of the enemy's greatest weapons is to blind us to what God is doing for His greater good in our lives. I have walked around so long with the burden of shame and guilt that I have put upon myself that it's a struggle each day to find my way out from under it. So, I sit here before you knowing that the Lord loves me so much that he is willing to carry my heavy burden and working to let go so He can carry it for me. I love Faith more and more each day. When I think about the time that I did not love her enough, the only thing that brings me comfort is that the Lord loved and loves her more than I did and still do. And that he loves me despite how tight I hold onto my burdens.
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10 years ago
Karen,
ReplyDeleteAs one of the friends who went through the days with you as you carried Faith, I can tell you I was very shocked to read your words from your original post about wanting to lose the baby. What I saw everyday was a strong, suddenly very mature woman, who took great care of herself through diet and exercise. Also, after reading this, now knowing the intensity of the "behind the scenes pain" that you felt on a regular basis, I can only hope that I was at least slightly the true friend that God intended for you during that time. Looking back, I know my maturity level was probably not where it needed to be. If I ever did or said anything to add to your pain, I am deeply sorry. At the time, I felt as though I knew how to handle the situation since I went through a young pregnancy with my sister.
There is also something I want you to know. The following year at school, it was very clear how close you and Clint had become. Then when you two decided to move home the next year, I truly felt you were trying to eliminate things in your life that reminded you of your time with Faith. I felt the loss of a friend. Immaturity took over, and rather than discussing this with you, I moved on by making new friends. I realized later in life, that was the wrong thing to do. I am sorry if I dissapointed you as a friend.
It is so great to see what a wonderful, loving, God serving woman you have become. I can say I am a better person today for having you in my life. After reading all your insights, it confirms even more for me that trusting God and letting him lead my life is the best decision I have ever made.
I miss you.
Melinda